Sunday, 14 November 2010


“The way I see it, marriage is a contract; a contract with which two people promise to love, honour and at least try to remain faithful. Pavlos broke the contract which means…” She spat out a shell. “In my humble opinion, it’s now null and void.” Fragile Dreams

Lepon – as we say in Greece, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. What is cheating exactly? Ok – someone sleeps with someone else. By today’s moral criteria, that is considered betrayal but what about mind cheating? Hands up out there who have ever cheated on their partner mentally? Is harboring lustful designs on someone other than your spouse/partner just as wrong as going through with the physical act? I hasten to add, I am not talking about drooling over Brad/Gerry/Enrique but, rather, somebody one could have access to if they put their mind to it. Ask yourself the question – do you feel guilty about these thoughts? If yes then, no, it’s not so innocent.
Why is the emphasis always on sex – or full-on sex? A simple kiss, a hug, a stroking of the hand, anything vaguely intimate – is that not cheating? Sharing a clandestine glass of wine – is that not betrayal? Do we convince ourselves because full consummation does not take place we are not hurting anyone? What constitutes a relationship? I do find it rather ironic that in modern day thinking, you are not in a relationship unless you are sleeping together. So even if you spent time together, laugh, kiss, hug, joke, generally enjoy the company of someone, you do not have a ‘real’ relationship because you are not doing the deed. It does make me titter when I hear people gloss over their actions with…oh, but we haven’t gone the whole way. Hey, dear, you have committed more sexual acts than found in the Karma Sutra so, in my book, that is cheating. Do not try and justify you actions.
It would seem this topic of infidelity which I opened up last week has invited vigorous discussion. My dear friend and critique partner asks the question – is man really meant to be monogamous. She asks...…What precludes loving more than one man (or woman) not only in a lifetime, but concurrently? What indeed? Who decided the rules? Dare I suggest man-made religion? We often hear…he /she is the love of my life…my soulmate. Granted, we may believe this at the time. We see our present partner through those too-oft deceptive rose-coloured specs but how can we be sure? It’s a vast world out there, filled with, perhaps, a barrel full of potential soul mates. I believe the problem we face is no two people view this matter in the same light and I think it all comes back to the green-eyed monster, jealousy. No one wants to share a loved-one, no matter how much the “errant” partner will tell you it can be done. Which brings us back to physical v emotional infidelity. Will we ever figure out this game of love? Thoughts please…..



  1. The easy answer is 'no', we will never figure the game of love out. But that's what also makes it wondrously interesting. In my work-in-progress novel Night Surfing, I have my character Sosie Bend suffering from Love Amnesia so when she meets Jagger, a surfer, who only appears at night, she asks him to teach her everything he knows about love.

    For the rest of us living in the real world, love can be complicated. You rarely here people who have been married a long time talking about Soul Mates. I personally believe the soul-mate phenomenon is what makes a lot of marriages unravel -this feeling that there is only one perfectly meshed soul out there just waiting for us. Over time, even Brad Pitt would probably annoy us!

    I read once that only about 11% of people truly get it right the first time around in marriage - that they are astute enough, self-evolved enough and know themselves well enough to figure out early on what they truly need in a life-long partner. Most of us the first time around seek out the parent we had the most difficulty with growing up and then become so frustrated when they are as difficult to live with as the parent!

    I believe you can love more than one person, even at the same time.
    And then there's jealously, as you mentioned. Jealousy and things like that, that we don't deal with within ourselves, just serves to break down the positive parts of marriage. I want to be with someone desirable.
    That's part of attraction. And then to think they just are devoted to you.
    That's a turn on for me. Oh, it is so very complicated. There are a lot of bumps in the road in a long marriage. And nobody ever tells you how to get over or around them. It's crazy the expectations we place on most marriages. If we all just lightened up a bit, I think we would be a lot better off. But then, I'm a free spirit who while I've been in a long marriage, never needed it at all! Just love me and love yourself. It's a much better pact to enter into and one that two people can actually master...

  2. Great response. I totally agree about the expectations of marriage. personally, I am cynical about the whole institution. As I stated in an earlier blog, One partner seems to have to give more for it to succeed. Thanks for stopping by

  3. You've posed some great questions. I just celebrated 32 years with the man I love. It hasn't always been easy and I do agree with you that it seems one partner must give more than the just swaps back and forth at time.

    As to your question about mind cheating. I guess I feel if the person is only spending time as a friend, nothing more, than there is nothing wrong with it. But if that thought goes any farther, than the possibility of a sexual cheating is imminent. Can the partner in question trust themselves not to let it become sexual? If they can't trust themselves, then how can their partner trust them?

    Good questions. Thanks for posting it.
    C.K. Volnek