Thursday, 10 February 2011

Wanted - Personal Assistent

Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day….tra la….
Good morning, happy campers. I really shouldn’t rub it in. I know, but the weather, here, in Corfu has been beautiful for the past week; brilliant sunshine, crisp air, snow-kissed mountains shimmering in the distance. I think I should be out there walking or swimming or something…which leads me nicely on to a question posed by my dear friend over at Alternative Read – what does an over-worked, stressed author/mother/chief cook and bottle washer do for exercise? Answer? Not a lot – although I hasten to add my typing fingers are extremely toned. There just does not seem enough hours in the day to fit in a measly one hour work out {which my spreading pc chair bum desperately needs}.
To be fair to myself, I have tried. I did begin on a workout program two weeks ago. I managed at least four sessions but all the while, my gaze strayed to my screen, the constant messenger ping of mail received tugged at my heart. Oh how I long to go back to four years ago when I was so focused and devoted to exercise. {Blame Madonna’s Confessions on a Dance floor –} Two one hour sessions daily of a routine I put together, followed by the lifting of small weights, not to mention the ballet plies whilst washing up or cooking. And with the arrival of summer, top this up with one-hour morning swim before work. Also, I had been known to perform butt squeezed while standing in the bank queue. Needless to say I was very popular with the old boys waiting for the pensions behind me.
I had never felt or looked so good in all my life – or so I believed. Apparently, I was too thin. I ask you – when can a girl be too thin. Ok, at a mere 43 kilos I was a tad skinny but, hey, did I look good in jeans. Where am I going with this? I have a question – Why is it when someone has been on a diet, lost a lot of weight, up goes the nagging cacophony….oh… have lost too weight BUT…who ever comes out and says…hey I think you’ve piled on the pounds and, yes, you do look like a fat f***ck. No-one, is my answer.
And I fear I am straying from the topic. So what do I do to maintain some form of exercise while writing? Ok, it’s confession time. When I am alone, I shove on my disco/ funk play list and boogie on down until my heart is content and my legs give out. Rafa, my rabbit is rather impressed by all of this. He joins in by running around the coffee table.I have this dilemna. I would love to grow old gracefully and not care about my appearence but I do. I want to be slim and wrinkle free but, at the same time, life is too short to give up on life's little pleasures. How can one live without freshly baked chocolate croissanr, pitas, mythos beers and nights out at a favourite taverna? What is the answer, I ask? Easy -money. That way, I could employ a personal trainer,have botox and throw in a bit of lipo suction for good measure. Otherwise I may end up like this...

So what is new in my life this week? Ah yes, a little brag or two. I have received some great reviews for Fragile Dreams.

I am waiting on a couple for Written in stone to be posted.
It’s always a great feeling for an author when all their blood sweat and tears is rewarded. I also have a couple of interviews coming up. Oh I feel quite famous. Unfortunately, promoting takes up a huge part of any author’s time. Sometimes I am tearing my hair out because I just want to get back to working on my w.i.p but I know I have promo commitments to fill. What I need is a personal assistant. I think I will advertise. How about…

Wanted. Young, handsome, sexy male between 25 and 30 to assist struggling, gorgeously hot, witty and intelligent author, in a very personal manner, in their goal to topple JK Rowling from her perch. C.V nor references essential. I only ask that all candidates bear more than a passing resemblance to either Enrique Iglesias or Rafa Nadal. The successful applicant will be required to escort me to social functions as well as performing daily duties of cooking, cleaning, shopping, typing and any promotional work I deem necessary. Must have a working knowledge of Heavy Metal, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Big Bang theory.

There, I shall post this in the Times. I wonder if I will receive any applicants.