Tuesday, 30 March 2010

.There is no balance of power in love

....................There is no balance of power in love

I posted this comment on Facebook to see what kind of response I received. None, so far, so I decided to turn it into a blog.

My 19 yr old daughter asked me what I meant buy it. Good question. I have a theory, one you may not all agree with.

Who remembers the game of love? Shall I call first…do I wait for him/her to ring first? Will I appear weak if I show how much I care? Ok, so that’s the practical but what about the depth of feeling, the balance of power?

Who can recall having a boyfriend/girlfriend who worshiped the ground we walked on? And who can truthfully raise their hand and say that, on some level, they didn’t abuse that power? Wasn’t it great, knowing that they hung on our every word, gave in to each whim? Did we know we were doing it? It’s so good to feel the security of being in control. We held the power. But what happens when the balance of power shifts, when the love we took for granted wanes – or even disappears forever? The rules of engagement change. We them become the weak, clinging in our desire to rekindle that once unfailing devotion. Bur when does it all become too much?

There was a line in a movie I watched last night. It read – The greatest truth of all is that love never lasts. Is this true? People become bored with each other, critical of one’s partner’s faults…I could go on and on but surely if it really is true love then such irritations or glitches can be worked through. Or – do we only feel ‘true’ love when we believe we have the undivided attention and devotion of our partner/husband/suitor?

Woman fall out of love with their partner because they snore, don’t take out the rubbish etc while others declare their dying love even as the man of their dreams is taking away their personal freedom or – worst – slapping them around. Can some of us love unconditionally? I have a friend who recently bemoaned the fact that she has been in love for the past few years; a deep love on so many levels that she has never experienced before, but now she has reached the stage where she ‘hates’ him because she loves him so much. She feels she has lost the ‘balance of power’. She feels that she wants to wound him because he makes her so vulnerable.

This response is common. Indeed, a characters from my w.i.p is one such person. He is a serial cheater. We begin by stereo-typing him; macho, selfish blah blah but somewhere into the story, he admits to his wife that his behaviour was prompted by her coldness. He realized she had fallen out of love with him. He had lost the balance of power and wanted to provoke a reaction, rekindle her ‘love.’ “B***”. I hear you all cry but, believe me, it happens. It is human nature to lash out at the ones we love because we hate them; because they don’t love us as we want them to. Love can indeed be selfish.

Before I am accused of cynicism, let me say that I do know of many successful marriages. Note I say successful and not necessarily fair because – and we are back to the word balance. I strongly believe one within every relationship, one partner loves a little more deeply than the other; one will make more sacrifices for the sake of the greater good of the relationship. Perhaps this is just how it is meant to be.